Until The Morning
by tidvis
Summary: Bella is sleeping over at the Cullen's; Edward is out to hunt. When Jasper comes to comfort her after a nightmare, they are suddenly faced with their true feelings for each other. Though afraid to hurt Edward, they are inadvertently drawn to each other.
1. Chapter 1

Dreaming of a color you've never seen before seems a fairly acceptable reason to wake up screaming. Yet I couldn't help but to feel ashamed. Even as he was sitting next to me on the bed with those thoughtful eyes, comforting me with his exceptional ability, I felt like all I ever did was cause trouble.

I knew Jasper only came into my room because he was worried. I was starting to think this whole idea of sleeping over wasn't so bright after all. But I was dying to see Edward in the morning, returning from his hunt; I wanted to see the roses on his cheeks and the lightness in his eyes while it was all still fresh. He was always so beautiful right after a hunt.

"Why aren't you out hunting?" I asked to fill the silence.

"I prefer to do it with Alice, Esme and Carlisle," he replied. "Edward and the other two … Well, let's just say, we look differently upon the ways of hunting."

Though curious, I refrained from asking what he meant, well aware that there are things about their world, I'd be too narrow minded to understand.

"Are you feeling better?"

I nodded. Jasper could always make me feel better in a matter of seconds.

"What were you doing – before you came in here, I mean?" I asked.

"Not much. Catching up on some reading."

There was another silence. Jasper's eyes gleamed through the dark; the pale light from a light outside the window gently striking his face. I thought of how terrifying it would be to anyone other than myself to find a vampire sitting on their bed in the middle of the night. Me, I found it sort of beautiful; the thought of being watched over by someone when you're at your weakest point.

Jasper dwelled at my side, watching me with soft eyes. I got the feeling he was trying to figure me out, but it didn't annoy me as much as when others did it. I guess it was all part of his charm; he could get away with practically anything, thanks to those pretty eyes.

"I feel like it's time for me to go," he said. "But still I find myself trying to think of excuses to stay."

"I wouldn't mind if you did," I replied, thankful the darkness covered my blushing face.

I made some space next to me and he came to lie beside me, though leaning a little on the wall. His moves were slow and slightly hesitating. A coldness spread throughout the bed even though he was lying on the covers and I underneath them.

"Do you ever miss being human?"

He didn't answer me at once.

"Sometimes."

"What parts do you miss?"

He looked at me through the dark; even though I couldn't make out much of his face, I had a feeling he could see me quite clearly. Some time passed as he feel deep in thoughts.

"I miss sleeping. Without sleep, it's like all the days of the week float into each other. It gets hard to separate them from each other; they're all just one big blur."

"What else?"

"A sense of normalcy, I guess. After a while you tire of keeping secrets, moving from town to town, having to act like a teenager when you're over a hundred years old. You can never run from who you are, you know? I'm gonna live forever, you know, and the thought of that is … actually quite depressing."

Jasper rested his head against the wall and drew a deep breath. I wanted to touch him, but I didn't know if I had the courage to.

Spending time with him had always been so effortless. We didn't have to speak or even look at each other; it was enough just to sit in the same room, sensing the other one's presence and mood. I think despite my relationship with Edward – which was lined with complications – Jasper was the one I most enjoyed to spend time with. He understood me, silently, and I liked to think that I understood him in return.

"Can I be honest with you?" he asked, suddenly.

"Of course. What's on your mind?"

Again, he let a moment of silence pass before he replied.

"It's a bit hard to tell, actually. It's a little unclear to me, still."

He made a pause, but I didn't want to interfere in his trail of thought, so I waited for him to continue, taking some time to rest my eyes. Then his soft voice reached me.

"It seems I am about to complicate things between us." He drew yet another deep breath, as if bracing himself for what he was about to say. "Being with you brings me a sort of calm I've rarely experienced before. It's quite strange, actually. The fact that you're a human makes it even stranger."

"Why is that?"

"I seldom feel anything towards humans; they mean no more than what trees and rocks and the rest of nature means to me. But with you, it's somehow different. Spending time with you … brings me … joy. You're not just a human; you're Bella. And I feel like there are things that you and I share, which no one else can quite grasp. Like a connection. Maybe that's a naïve thing to say, but … I don't know. There's something there."

He was looking out into the air; his voice distant as if he was talking to me from another room, though the coldness of his body proved he was still undoubtedly next to me.

"I'm sorry if this makes no sense," he added.

"No. No, it makes total sense."

Something cold nibbled at my hand and with a little jolt of excitement I realized it was his fingertips. Gently caressing the back of my hand, they soon found their way in between my fingers until he was softly holding my hand. He let go of a tiny laughter.

"You're so warm."

"You're cold as death."

I was struggling to make my voice steady, but knowing Jasper he'd probably already picked up on my nerves.

"Am I making you feel uncomfortable?"

I shook my head intently, though it was a bit of a lie. Problem was, part of me didn't want him to let go of my hand, but I felt unsure whether I was supposed to be ashamed of that sort of feeling.

"I've tried so hard to justify this to myself … but no matter what way I look at it, no matter how I do it, telling you this – holding your hand – is a betrayal to my brother. I've asked myself: 'Will I be able to live with myself, look him in the eye, afterward? Is it worth it?' But for the first time in my life I am without answers."

"What about me?" I asked.

"What about you?"

"You only mentioned Edward. What about my feelings?"

He seemed surprised at these words.

"I thought –" he began, unfolding his fingers from my hand.

"I didn't – I didn't mean it like that."

The situation had gone awkward, but our fingers remained tangled up in each other. Half sitting and half lying down, we both seemed stale and self-conscious. I panicked, trying to save the moment, and began to babble, throwing out the first words that came to mind.

"It's just hard. I mean, I agree on everything you just said. There is something between us, something I've never felt with Edward or anyone else. Edward is so complex, but with you everything seems so simple. I love Edward, but sometimes I wonder why he's with me when all he ever seems to think of is either trying not to hurt me or make plans to leave me. To him, I'm just someone who needs to be saved, but with you I feel more like an equal. It's nice not being a victim, for a change, you know? But there's a part of me that feels ashamed of enjoying to spend time with you, like I'm letting Edward down. But why should I refrain from doing something that makes me happy out of fear from hurting him? I have to make my own decisions, right?"

"Eh … right. You are your own person."

"Right."

After a moment's hesitation, Jasper turned to me, moving his body closer to mine. I mimicked him, shoving the covers down on the floor, and felt my heart racing, as he fixed his eyes upon me and placed a nervous hand at my waist. The smell of his breath came to me like a wind, a scent of peppermint along with the sweetness of his saliva. 'It must be those mints he's always chewing on,' I thought, despite the gravity of the situation.

He sighed and I could feel his hand twitching. He seemed as nervous as me.

"Do you think this is wrong of us?"

"That all depends who you ask," he answered in an avoidant manner.

Then he reached around my shoulders and pulled me close into an embrace, pressing me against his body. I felt his scruffy neck against my face, his leg in between my knees, his chest pressing hard against mine. He held me that way for a long time; until I began to shiver from the coldness. Letting me go, smiled shyly and apologized.

Sighing, he said: "I really want to be with you."

There was something tormented in his voice, almost as if he was going through the same internal conflicts as I was. His face was so close to me, I could practically see the battle raging in his eyes.

"You're so beautiful," he added. "And I want to kiss you so badly, but I can't justify it. I just can't bring myself to do it."

His voice was shaky; he seemed weak for the first time in my presence. I stroked a lock of hair behind his ear and he closed his eyes to my touch; taking it all in and savoring the moment. Then he grabbed my hand and pressed it to his heart. It was still as ever.

"Why does it have to be so hard?"

"It doesn't. All you have to do … is take the dive."

And so, he dove; his lips trembling as he came so close to me I feared I would explode. His lips were ice cold, yet softer than I'd expected. The taste of him was heavenly, and I completely lost myself in it. His hand was resting at the small of my back, gently pressing me against him as he became more confident.

After the kiss was broken, he took me in his arms once more and just held me. I don't know if he was crying, but I think so; at least he was extremely emotional. His embrace seemed almost desperate, clutching me as if to prevent an eventual escape. But I wouldn't go anywhere; at least not untill morning.

But that was hours away.


	2. Chapter 2

Waking up was the hardest part.

Even before I opened my eyes, I knew today was going to be hell. I felt his chest rising and falling beneath me as he breathed and I knew he was waiting for me to awake, but I didn't want to open my eyes and let reality in. I lay for a moment, drawing in the scent of him and locking it up somewhere deep inside of me, fearing that this was the last time I'd ever get to be so close to him.

He began to gently stroke my hair, placing a soft kiss upon my head.

Was it possible I was still dreaming?

But the warm sensation of the morning sun falling upon my skin assured me it was all real. I silently wondered what time it was. Was Edward home yet? Was he in the house? Did he already know?

"Good morning, beautiful," Jasper whispered, forcing me to face reality.

Unwillingly I drew back my eyelids and was surprised to find him so close to me. I yawned even though I wasn't tired – I hadn't slept so well for years – and he watched me with a puzzling smile playing upon his lips.

"What time is it?" I asked, sitting up.

"Just past seven thirty."

"Is Edward home yet?"

A sadness crossed his face for a fraction of a second, but he quickly wiped it off. His eyes looked away as he listened closely to the sounds of the house.

"I can't hear him. Guess they're running a little late."

There was an obvious awkwardness. How was I supposed to act, what was I supposed to say? What were his expectations at this point?

"Look," he said, almost like he'd read my mind. "I understand if you choose to stay with him. I really do. I'm sorry for messing things up like this. It was never my intention to …"

He fell silent.

I reached out to touch his face, sliding my fingers along the line of his jaw. His eyes watching me were large, glittering, and beautiful; they ached in me.

"I don't know what I want," I told him.

But, in a way, that was a lie. I knew I wanted so desperately to be with him. But I also knew that I loved Edward too much to ever hurt him like that. I knew it would completely crush him; I knew he couldn't live without me by his side. Not to mention how complicated things would become between him and Jasper.

I leaned in to kiss him and he placed his hand at my neck, lightly grasping it as if he was scared I'd fly off. Breaking the kiss, his eyes were filled with sadness.

"I guess none of it matters now, anyway … Edward's going to find out no matter what."

The thought had just occurred to me; even though he had no entrance into my mind, Edward_ would_ be able see in Jasper what had happened. A wave of fear welled over me as I imagined the look on his face when he found out.

But Jasper shook his head, though hesitatingly like he was unsure whether he was doing the right thing in telling the truth.

"He doesn't know it, but I've found ways to keep things from him. It's taken me years, but I've finally learned to manage it. If I don't want him to see it, he won't."

This complicated things. I found myself in a moral dilemma unlike any other, and I knew it was only a matter of time until Edward would be home. The thought of this filled me with sorrow; mostly because it meant that I'd have to leave Jasper and this bed and put it all behind me. The realization burned like fire behind my eyes, and I fell into his arms, clinging to him like it was the last time I'd ever see him.

And, in a way, it was. I would never get the chance to be with him in this way again. I would never again catch him looking at me with so much affection in his eyes. And, more heartbreaking than anything else, I was never going to be this close to him ever again.

Tears ran down my cheeks as I struggled with my decision. I silently wished Jasper's arms would hold me so tight I'd suffocate by accident; but I knew he was much too careful to do such a thing. I made a fist, clenching his soft curls in my hand, and placed a kiss below his earlobe, still sobbing as I did so.

Then he let go of me, holding me at an arm's length, and watched me. I wanted to hide my soaked face, but he wouldn't let me. He looked so serious; a wrinkle between his eyebrows, biting his lip.

"Before you go," he said. "I have to tell you … that I love you. I want you to know that, and carry it with you. I may live for centuries after you've gone from this earth. But I will always love you."

That did it; I burst into desperate tears, falling yet again into his arms. Crying into his shirt I left stains of snot and tears in the fabric, but none of that mattered. I couldn't grasp the fact that this was all happening; it was much too horrifying to accept.

Jasper suddenly stiffened.

"They're coming. I can hear the car; they'll be pulling up to the driveway in a few minutes."

I panicked, pressing my lips against his in a last kiss, tears falling everywhere, staining his beautifully sculpted face. Jasper rose from the bed as I heard car doors slam shut outside the window. All of a sudden a wave of comfort came over me and I knew it was thanks to him. He watched me silently from the doorway as I wiped the tears from my face, making sure I was okay. Then, without a word, he left.

A few seconds later, I heard Edward advance up the stairs.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note:**** I can't believe all the positive response I've gotten to the first two chapters of this story, and I want to thank all of you for your kind words of encouragement. It really means a lot to know there are so many people out there who enjoy my writing. Hopefully, you'll all stay with me, and follow Bella through her struggle. Thank you all for reading! This part is kind of short, but look out for the next one. It'll be up soon!  
**

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I doubt that I've ever moved as fast as when I threw myself at my gym bag and pulled out my perfume bottle. Spraying some on me, I went on to shove a few chewing gums into my mouth, and then threw the rest back on the drawer. Just then, the door flew open and there he appeared in the doorway.

I felt my face flush as Edward walked up to the bed, beaming with joy. The blood was pumping through him, offering color to his skin and a lightness to his eyes, and his smile was as wide as an ocean. He sat down next to me and wrapped his strong arms around my body; all the while I desperately wished he wouldn't pick up on Jasper's scent. He held me and placed a kiss on my forehead, lovingly letting me know how happy he was to see me.

"I can't be without you even for one night without going crazy."

A surge of guilt struck my gut.

"How'd the hunt go?" I asked to change the subject.

Letting go of me, his face displayed a look of wild enthusiasm as his gaze moved to watch some distant scene in his mind. I found it hard to look him in the eye and prayed he was still too dazed by the blood to notice my awkward behavior.

"It was amazing. You should have seen the stars, Bella, you would've loved it. There's really nothing that can beat hunting under a clear night sky, soaring against the wind, jumping from branch to branch and seeing the people you love smile beside you."

He looked at me, returned to present time and place, and asked: "How have you been?"

"Oh, you know," I mumbled. "Sound asleep."

"I bet you're hungry now, too?"

I nodded and allowed him to lead me by the hand down the stairs and into the kitchen, where the others had gathered. Carlisle and Esme stood holding each other in a warm embrace, soft smiles playing upon their faces; Emmet was just telling Jasper about his chase after a wild boar and how it fought frantically as he bit down on it (I shuddered at the thought of this); Alice was sitting by the table, bent deep down over a drawing, and Rosalie stood idly by, watching me and Edward as we entered the room.

My throat closed as my eyes fell upon Jasper's beautiful face; though he made no sign of recognition toward me. He simply stood there, silent and probably indifferent to Emmet's story; his hands behind his back and eyes turned away from me.

As Edward went to the fridge to prepare me some eggs, Alice's gaze lifted from her sketchbook and fluttered across my face. It made me realize, with a shock of horror, that Edward wasn't my only concern in all of this. Not only had Jasper and I gone behind both of their backs, but there was also the very unnerving possibility that Alice had already seen it happen in one of her visions. And, if it were so, what if Edward saw it in _her_ mind?

If I wasn't struggling so hard to act normal, I'd probably fall to my knees right there on the kitchen floor. I grabbed hold of the counter to keep my balance, feeling like everything was already lost. How on earth was I supposed to get out of this mess?

Jasper must've sensed my distress – even though he still acted unaware of my presence – because just then that familiar calm swept over me and I regained steadiness. He gave me a quick look to make sure I was okay and then went back to appear as indifferent as the moment before.

Edward was standing by the stove now, fiddling with the heat, displaying a slightly perplexed gaze. Though he'd cooked for me a few times already, he still hadn't quite gotten the hang of it. Carlisle helped him with the heat, cracked the two eggs in the pan and shoved the spatula into his hands, giving him an ironic smile as he did so.

I excused myself to go to the bathroom and hastily left the kitchen. Locking the door behind me, I stared at my weary reflection and splashed some cold water on my face. I was hoping it'd bring me out of this nightmare, but my plan didn't work out as well as I'd hoped it would. So I went to the toilet, washed my hands and threw a last glance at the girl in the mirror. Then I unlocked the door and went out.

And crashed into a long, slender body, nearly bumping my forehead into his chin. 'Not this,' I thought, 'dear God, why are you doing this to me?'

Jasper had wrapped his arm around my waist to keep me from falling and was now staring into my face, his lips parted and a look of surprise in his stunning eyes. I drew in his smell and shivered with pleasure, wishing I could just lean in and kiss him, but instead I quickly slunk out of his grip.

"Are you ...?"

"I'm fine," I said, decisively turning my back on him.

God, I wanted so badly to stay in his arms; to feel him wrap around me and kiss my lips. But I knew I couldn't – and so I returned to the kitchen where breakfast was already made and served. Edward stood expectant next to a drawn out chair and bade me to have a seat. I poured some juice and took a bite of toast.

My feelings of panic and distress were starting to reemerge.

How in lord's name was I going to fix this?


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** **Just wanted to check in and let you all know that part fice might take a bit more time. I'm going to be quite busy for the next week or so, but I'm hoping I'll have time to finish and get it up sometime soon. Meanwhile, you can enjoy part five!**

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The next day was a Monday, which meant going back to school. It seemed no matter where I turned, Edward would always be there; sitting next to me in class, waiting for me outside the girl's bathroom, following me to my locker and back. There was something almost puppy-like in his behavior. Strangely enough it'd never occurred to me before how clingy he was – perhaps because I'd _wanted _him to be around all the time. Well, now all I wanted was some time to be alone and think.

As the bell rang out for the last time that day, we walked side by side to the parking lot and kissed good bye. During the drive home I finally got some time to breathe. With the window rolled down I enjoyed a warm breeze through my hair and tried to push away all those pressing thoughts. It seemed now that I finally had time to myself, I didn't _want _to think about it. I guess I was too afraid of what I might find, which of course meant I already knew what the answer to my problem was – but didn't want to realize it.

When I got home I found that dad, to my relief, was still at work. I made his dinner and put it in the microwave for him to warm when he got home. Without eating anything myself, I went up the stairs to my room, thinking I'd at least try and study a little.

When I opened the door to my room, I found Jasper sitting on my bed, leafing through a book I was supposed to read for school. Why wasn't I surprised? I immediately shut my eyes, as if trying to make him go away, but when I opened them again he was still there, looking at me with those heartbreakingly beautiful eyes. 'Cut me some slack, will you?' I mumbled to whatever almighty god that seemed to enjoy my sufferings.

"Hi," said Jasper, putting away the book and standing up, nervously wiping his palms on his slacks.

"What are you doing here?"

He came a few steps closer, made a half-hearted smile and said: "Do you know how hard it is to get you by yourself? How do you stand having him at your heels all day?"

"God knows."

We stood silently for a moment.

"I'm sorry for barging into your room like this. But … I wanted to know how you were doing. I imagine things are quite hard for you right now."

I shrugged, my heart beating fast at the thought of being all alone with Jasper, and the possibilities that created for us. I could sense his smell even though he stood several steps away from me, or perhaps it was only my imagination. No matter what, simply standing in the same room as him overwhelmed me with feelings, and I had to shut my eyes for a moment.

"Bella?"

I didn't reply. I shuddered as his hand landed upon my shoulder and suddenly I felt cold. When I opened my eyes he was standing only inches from me, looking down into my face with worried eyes.

"Are you okay?"

Before I could stop myself, my hand found its way up to his neck and began to pull him closer until our lips met. I completely lost my footing and my mind went spinning. Kissing Jasper was complete and utter bliss; the taste of him better than any drug I could ever imagine. His hands rested at the small of my back and gently pushed me toward him. I wrapped my hands in his soft curls and felt his entire body press against me.

Just when I thought I was going to explode with desire, he gently pulled away and looked at me with a smile, softly holding my face between his palms. I felt unbelievably faint and took a few seconds to compose myself.

"How do you _do_ that?" I mumbled.

He made a joyful laugh and I felt a tingle in my belly.

"I can't stop thinking about you," he said. "And I'm feeling pretty sure the feeling is mutual. Which is why … I think it's time why talked about this. For real. Because I'm not sure I can keep it from him much longer."

"But I thought you said you've found a way to hide it?"

Jasper sighed and led me to the bed, where we sat down.

"The trick is – well, it's not so much a trick, it's more like manipulation."

"I'm not sure I understand."

Wow, that was an understatement.

"Well … Say I wanted to hide my feelings for you, from him. The easiest thing for me would be to not have them at all, right? But if I simply can't shake it off, what do you suppose is the second best alternative?"

I didn't reply at first. Then I slurred: "Umm … _acting_ like I don't exist?" thinking of his behavior in the Cullen's kitchen the previous day.

"Well, sort of. I know it sounds cruel, but … by smothering those feelings every time Edward is around, by pushing them away and keeping my mind clear – pretty much like you do when you meditate – as well as sending Edward some distracting vibes, he remains ignorant. But I'm finding it harder and harder not to think of you. Especially when he's around, because I feel so guilty. I fear it's only a matter of time before I slip."

I took a deep breath and leaned against his shoulder, taking his hand and holding it in my lap. His fingers were thin and graceful like a pianist's; veins bulging under his pale skin, his nails proper and clean.

Though the thought of telling Edward the truth terrified me more than anything, it felt relieving to know this secrecy would come to an end. I sat up straight and looked into Jasper's eyes. Perhaps we could even become happy with each other, once the truth was out. The thought filled me with hope.

"Hey," I said, a thought occurring to me, "what about Alice?"

"Oh," he said shifting his gaze. "Well … our relationship is more like an extremely close friendship, so …. We're not … _exclusive_ – you know?"

Had he been able to, he probably would've blushed at those last words. Instead he looked down at his knees, adorably shy at sharing this information with me.

"Oh, I see … Um, well – I mean … Does she know?"

He shrugged.

"Dunno. If she does, she's hiding it well."

Despite what Jasper just told me, I silently feared hurting Alice. She meant so much to both of us – losing her would be extremely hard not only on myself, but on Jasper. They talked about everything – the fact that they still had so much to talk about after so many years together amazed me.

"So … have you decided what you want to do? Are you going to tell him?"

"I don't think I have a choice."

"You always have a choice, Bella. It's your life."

He sighed.

"I should go. I'm guessing it won't be long before Edward comes to check up on you."

I knew he was right, and I wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing my cheek against his soft skin. His fingers played in my hair, his breath somewhere close to my ear. I didn't want him to leave.

He let go of me and stood up. Still holding my hands, he looked into my eyes for what seemed an eternity. Then he leaned in and placed a kiss on my lips. And before I knew it, he was gone. By the time I reached the window, he was already out of sight.


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors Note: I managed to squeeze some ff-writing into my busy schedule, so here's the fifth chapter a little sooner than I expected! Stay tuned for more and enjoy!  
**

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Edward drove me to school the following morning. We were completely silent, him keeping his eyes on the road and me listening closely to the soft humming of the Volvo engine. Edward had learned not to be too talkative in the morning and for the first time in my life I felt thankful for my bad morning mood-swings.

I passed through the classes with an alarming, irregular throb at my heart. As he walked by my side, I knew today was the day I'd irreversibly lose Edward's respect – though perhaps not his love. It made me want to sink into the floor and vanish into the underworld; the compact darkness seemed so simple and appealing in the complexity of daylight.

At lunch, I couldn't help but to glance over at Jasper, at the table next to mine and Edward's. Though his siblings seemed involved in a fierce conversation, he might as well have been miles away. Staring at the untouched food in front of him, he slowly raised his gaze until it met mine, and I quickly turned my eyes away from him. Edward sat opposite me, his expression the usual, beautiful and easy and his eyes directed right at me.

He smiled, and I wanted to die. Or maybe that's too strong of a word, but the complication of things made me wish I could seize to exist and let it all sink into oblivion.

I spent the rest of the day searching for words that would make what I was going to say sound kinder, but found none. The only ones that came to me were the truth – and the truth would completely break him. I knew it, yet I kept telling myself that I couldn't back out. To keep on lying was never an option – because I knew he would find out eventually and that it would hurt him even more then.

So, after the bell had rung the last time that day, I asked him to join me for a walk through the small woodland next to the school. He seemed slightly surprised at this, but nodded. And so we walked.

As we moved through the forest, Edward began to search for my hand and, when he found it, wrapped his fingers around it in a tight grip. I gasped for air, hoping he didn't notice, though I was certain his remarkable hearing couldn't possibly miss it. He said nothing, I said even less.

When we arrived at a glade my feet came to a sudden halt. Though my mind protested, my body had decided it was time. I slid my hand out of his grip and placed myself in front of him, though avoiding his gaze. He reached out to touch my face, but I stopped him, and we both stood there frozen for a moment.

"Edward …" I began.

But before I could continue, he broke in: "This place is really nice. Why haven't I been here before?"

There was something strange in his voice, but I couldn't quite make out what it was.

Ignoring his comment, I spoke up yet again, this time more decisively: "I need to tell you something."

"I already know you're crazy about me, Bella. That's no news to anyone by now."

He laughed, but his laughter also seemed distorted and strained. When he spoke the words, there was an obvious lack of his usual cockiness behind them – his natural confidence was missing – and they were empty and flat.

"Please, listen to me. This is really hard, but I have to talk to you about something."

I looked up at him and found him watching me with a disturbing stare in his eyes. His arms hung at his sides, his hands made into fists, and his jaw clenched for a few seconds. He mumbled something in a voice barely audible, that I didn't catch.

Taking a deep breath, I managed to stutter: "T-there's something you … something I have to tell you."

"Can't we talk about it tonight? I think we should be going back now, it looks like it going to rain."

"Edward please!" I roared, suddenly impatient. Did he have to make this so bloody hard – like it wasn't hard enough to begin with?

"But Bella –"

"No, listen to me, you have to hear –"

"No, _you_ listen to _me_," he shouted. "I already know, okay? But none of that matter's, because you chose to be with me, right?"

It was as if all the air was drawn out of my lungs. I had to take a moment to gather up the words and make sense of them. Something hit me, hard in the chest, like an angry fist, and I knew that angry fist was the unsteadiness with which Edward had thrown the words at me, the insecurity in his otherwise steady and beautiful voice. _He already knew._ Of course he knew. How could he not know, this handsome, flawless god of a man?

I could do nothing but stare at him, lips separated like a fish frozen while making bubbles of air under the water. He reached for my hand and gently stroked it with both of his own.

"It doesn't matter," he repeated, "because you're with me. You're mine and I forgive you, I can learn to live with it."

His voice was shaking in a way I'd never heard before and he seemed, for the very first time, fragile. It stunned me, really, and I struggled to find my own voice, hidden somewhere in my chest, in between my lungs.

"Edward," I breathed. "No."

The last word was but a whisper, but he heard it, and it made him flinch. Letting go of my hand, he stepped back, staring at me.

"What do you mean 'no'? I just forgave you."

But he already knew; I could see it in his eyes. They were filled with despair.

"You're with me," he repeated. "You're mine."

He said the same words over and over, like a mantra or like he believed they would become true if he said them enough times. But the truth was I would never belong to anyone other than myself.

"I'm so sorry," I told him, and I don't think I've ever meant anything so much in my life.

I didn't want to hurt him, because I knew what it was like. I was sorry for breaking his heart, for his feelings for me, for this unbelievable rejection; but I couldn't feel sorry for my own feelings and especially not my feelings for Jasper. This I never said, but I'm sure he felt it, because he took several steps away from me.

"Why? I mean – how –? For him? And how could he –?"

His speech was failing him. He put his hands to his face, rubbing his eyes whilst silently moaning and then looked at me. The expression on his face filled me with fear. His entire body was shaking now, his fists clenching so hard that his hands turned white. Just when I thought he was going to attack me, he suddenly relaxed, a look of realization crossing over his beautifully pale face.

He looked at me one last time with eyes not filled with despair, but with sorrow, then he turned away and ran off.

In the distant, I could hear a desperate yell of frustration and loss break the afternoon's silence. He was gone, and I didn't know if I would ever see him again. The thought felt alien and surprisingly troubling.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note**: **Yeah. So I really should be writing an huge essay for school, but instead I wrote this. It's the last chapter, though I'm planning to write an epilogue as well. Once again I would just like to thank you all for reading and reviewing. It warms my heart! Lots of love to ya'll.  
**

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It's still a bit unclear to me what happened right after Edward had left me there. Maybe I just stood frozen, shaking with shock at what had just happened – what I had done and how Edward had reacted. For a moment I had really feared that he was going to hurt me and the thought still sends shivers down my spine.

Maybe I wandered aimlessly through the forest or maybe I sank onto the ground and huddled up into a ball of self-pity. I don't remember. All I know is, after a while Jasper found me and took me in his arms, asking me questions I couldn't answer. 'What did he say? Did he hurt you? Bella, are you okay?' My words had gone missing and all I could feel was pure and utter horror. How could I've done such a thing – completely break Edward's spirit just because I'd fallen in love with someone else? Was I really that sort of person?

Jasper held me for a long time, during which I did nothing but stood there and felt dizzy at all the thoughts and emotions soaring through me. The coldness of the wind and of Jasper's skin made me shiver, so he insisted it was time we make our way back. He led me forward with one arm around my shoulders. I still couldn't speak.

We walked pass the school and the empty parking lot and my mind passively noted that Edward's car was gone. So what if I had to walk home? It seemed nothing could affect me anymore.

And Jasper – Jasper was an angel, silently walking by my side as we moved forward, his arm around my shoulder letting me now he was still there. He said nothing. He simply waited; for the right thing to say, for me to find the words, for whatever. Patiently, close to me. I don't know how long we had walked when the words finally rolled over my lips and I managed to speak up. My voice had gone hoarse and rough from the cold and my muteness.

"He knew." Jasper looked at me, then nodded.

"Alice knows too."

"Did she …?" I couldn't finish the sentence, but he still understood my question.

"Yeah. She knew about it long before we did; I guess Edward saw it in her. She's not very happy about it, but she seems okay. She's the one who told me where I could find you. She said Edward was really upset. What happened out there?"

At first I shook my head at the memory of his anger, but then I began to explain. Jasper listened without interrupting and when I fell silent he let out a simple: "Hm."

"What do you think … what'll happen now?" I asked.

I was slowly realizing that things were never going to be the same. How could I ever come to visit the Cullen's if Edward was there? How would this affect Jasper's and Edward's relationship – and his relationship with the other's, for that matter? Could they possibly forgive Jasper – or me, for hurting Edward the way I had just done?

"Well … knowing Edward, I don't think we'll see him for a while. But he's going to be fine. Eventually."

"But how can you know that?"

"I can't," he said plainly. "But Edward's very strong."

Then we walked in silence for ten minutes or so, silently contemplating the new order of things whilst tiny drops of rain fell upon our shoulders. Jasper never once removed his arm around me, and I was thankful for it. The sky was covered in grey clouds, as usual, and on the horizon I could see darker ones, more daunting than the others, moving in over town. The thought of a storm made me shake even more than before and I was glad I couldn't see myself, since I feared my lips were starting to turn blue.

"Poor Alice," I said, picking up on where we'd left off. "She's known all along. I can't imagine what it's like knowing something about the people you care about that you can't tell them. It must be horrible."

"You shouldn't worry too much about her. She's stronger than you think, probably stronger than the most of us. The only thing that bothers her is Edward. She's afraid he'll never find his way back from this. But I'm certain he will."

I sighed.

"She must think I'm a monster."

"She would never want you to be with him out of guilt or fear. No one would expect that of you. It might be harder, but I sincerely think this is the only way you could have done it."

"But you're not exactly objective," I muttered.

He made a low laugh and something woke inside of me at the sound; a soft tingling in my stomach. After that, another long silence passed between us. We had walked about half the way to Charlie's house when we stopped for a moment and Jasper gave me his jacket. He pulled the zipper up to my chin and smiled, and then we continued walking.

"Do you think he will ever forgive me?"

His reply didn't come immediately. "I don't know. I'm wondering the same thing myself."

"But you're his brother," I said.

"Exactly, I'm his brother." He sighed. "I just hope time will help him heal, you know? I'm sure he's going to be okay, somehow. He's been through _a lot_ in his life, and he's managed this far, hasn't he?"

We were turning in on my street now; I could see Charlie's small house down at the end of the road and I silently wondered how I would explain everything to him. I could see him now, raising an eyebrow and saying, in that skeptical yet fatherly voice: 'Really, another Cullen?' The image made me smile, slightly.

Reaching up to the driveway, we both stopped and stood watching the front door. Charlie's car was parked in its usual spot, but there was no movement in any of the windows. He had probably settled himself in front of the TV already.

Jasper placed his hands at the curves where my neck turned into my shoulders and smiled gently at me. I began unzipping his jacket, which I still wore, but he stopped me.

"Keep it. I don't need it. But I suggest you run inside and change your clothes as fast as you can. You look even paler than me."

I contemplated inviting Jasper in, to stay with me for the night, but decided not to. There would be time enough for the both of us to be together, I thought. I let out a sigh.

Tonight was going to be hard, but I knew I had to deal with my feelings of separation anxiety alone. Looking ahead in time, I knew I had to get used to living without Edward. It was strange how much sorrow I felt at the thought; even though he had become possessive and overly protective, some part of me still loved him, or the Edward he had been when we'd first met. Mysterious, passionate and stunningly beautiful. But the Edward I had seen in the woods today was nothing like that, and it had convinced me that my decision was, after all, the right one.

"If you need anything, you just give me a call. Alright?" said Jasper.

I couldn't tell him how thankful I was that he didn't insist on coming inside.

"Do you need a ride home?"

He shook his head. "I'll just run. It'll be faster anyway," he laughed, throwing a knowing glance at my truck.

I laughed with him and felt relieved to know I could still feel some sort of joy. Jasper took me in his arms in a long but cold embrace and then placed a light kiss between my eyebrows. Watching me as I walked toward the house, he remained on the driveway until I had firmly closed the door behind me, standing there with his arms bare and his hands in his pocket in the cold wind.

Entering the hallway, I breathed in the familiar smell of home and my heart found comfort at the sound of Charlie's usual: "Bella?"

"Yeah, dad," I replied and kicked off my shoes.

At least around here, things would never change.


	7. Epilogue

Lying there alone on my bed, the thought of a life without Edward seemed both scary and distant, but I knew there would come a day when all of this would be behind me, that someday I would wake up and find that I had moved on. Even though I had been the one who left him, starting over with someone new made me feel nervous and I feared that, at some point, I would come to regret my decision. After all, I had been with Edward for some time and a large part of me would miss him deeply. But I told myself it was time to move on.

It wouldn't be easy. I mean, how do you learn to live without something you've started to take for granted? How do you stop yourself from regretting your decision? How can you allow yourself to remember all the good moments when you know it'll only lead to pain? Without the answers to any of those questions, I was about to start moving in a completely new direction, while Edward went his own way.

Thinking about him alone somewhere, I slightly missed Edward, but I knew it was more out of pity than out of love this time. I knew I had to put up a goal; that I had to strive for survival without him. The feeling was almost surreal; the thought of letting him go sent shivers down my spine. But turning my thoughts to Jasper, things seemed a little easier.

And time passed, as time always does.

To begin with everything seemed new and awkward, but I was glad to find that I was still welcome in the Cullen's house, even if some of them acted a bit cold toward me at first. I had feared that Alice would be devastated, but she tried really hard to accept the state of things and I, in return, tried to make her see that I wasn't intending to take Jasper from her. We often spent time together, the three of us, and I would sometimes find her watching Jasper and me with a sadness in her eyes. Other times she seemed really happy for us, and we soon began developing a new sort of relationship. As time passed, I realized how strong their connection was; sometimes they seemed almost like two halves of the same person.

So, instead of losing her, I'd like to believe I came even closer to Alice, after everything that had happened. And when I was finally changed – turned into one of them and became a true member of the family – things just seemed to get better and better.

As for Edward, Jasper had been right. For a very long time, I didn't see or hear from him. I think he kept in touch with Carlisle, but Carlisle was careful not to speak too much about him in my presence. If it was for my sake or because Edward had asked him not to say anything, I don't know, but I usually let it slide.

I later found out that he had left the country, and was travelling Europe in hope of finding … whatever he needed to get better. I felt ashamed for not being depressed, when I thought of how hard this was all affecting him, but most of the time I just wondered how he was doing.

He never moved back; I guess he found the thought unbearable since I eventually moved into the house. But one day, years after our breakup, I woke up to find him sitting at the kitchen table with Carlisle and Esme, deep in conversation. They all fell silent as I entered the room, and soon Carlisle and Esme left. Edward came up to me, smiled politely and asked me innocent questions, like how are things and what have you been up to.

It was strange how he hadn't changed one bit but still managed to seem completely different. There was no anger, no disgust and no accusations in his eyes, and when he spoke it seemed he had sincerely found a new way to live, which he seemed happy with.

I would see him once every year or so as he came to visit wherever we were currently living. We would talk and smile and be polite. If he did hold a grudge, he never once showed it to me.

And in all of this, I had Jasper: a person who loved me enough to cross the earth for me, but cared enough for my happiness to let me grow at my own pace. He would lie beside me in bed while I was still human and needed sleep, and read aloud from one of his many books until I fell asleep. Did I wake sometime during the night, he would still sit there, still as a statue, with the same book in his hands. The image of him in the dark will never leave me; to this day it still brings me such comfort.

I've never met a person so encouraging before. Jasper made me believe in myself and helped me achieve all those little things I had thought I was too weak or stupid or even too lazy to do. He would push me to do my best, and comfort me when I failed. Holding me in his arms and soothing my sorrow with his remarkable ability, I would think that there was no place that was safer than right there, in his embrace.

And, perhaps most importantly, when I asked to be changed, he didn't put up a fight. He heard me out and stayed by my side all through the process, and even though I knew it was heartbreaking for him to watch I am so thankful he was there after it was all over. In my new life, his was the first face I really saw, the first voice I remember hearing.

I loved him, I love him still and I intend to continue loving him until my body is ripped apart and burned. As long as I live, there will be only him for me.


End file.
